happy sad time

I am beginning to love my job. I've always had a sort of love-hate relationship with it. As one might do with any job. But this love-hate relationship feels especially volatile when one doesn't completely understand whats going on at the workplace! Anyways, with my new responsibility of having my own "writing class" and having the power to make and grade tests, thus transferring my effect on the students into data form, I feel heavy responsibility and motivation. I love this job autonomy. If only I had found it sooner. I did find it sooner in some cases, but I just didn't have the power that I have now. My students in the writing class call me Rebecca sensei and Rebecca Chan instead of Rebecca or Rebecca san, and I like it. I feel a closeness to the students approaching that of a Japanese teacher-student relationship. But, at the same time, I can still talk about taboo things with the students without feeling the parental (/Japanese teacher) burden. WOOHOOOO!!!
....and I leave in 2 months.
It really really saddens me. I purchased my tickets home today. August 10th=home. October 15=England, October 25=one way ticket to India, from there to Nepal.
It feels bittersweet to be leaving so soon. It feels a bit premature in some ways and I want to stay, but in other ways, I feel ready. A bit like graduating from college. However, when I search for jobs back home and read about the locations of those jobs and picture myself trying to get there during the morning commute, I find myself already longing for the rice fields and mountains, and lack of traffic. Biking to school. Peace in solitude. These things are found at home, yet in different forms. Am I ready for them???

Welcome to the Freaking club!!!!

Went hiking with Jam lady on one of the holidays Japan had a few weeks ago. It was awesome! As usual! We had to bushwhack through some pretty thick brush and scramble up this steep hill using roots to pull ourselves up and then we arrived at the top of the ridge. At the top we rested and Jam Lady (Yumi) asks me what I call this kind of hiking? "Mania" our friend (and guide) Shun chan suggests. Then I say, sure, mania is a good way of putting it. Then she says, no no no, more strong...."Freak!...Freaking!!" "This hike is freaking" "Welcome to the Freaking club!" I agree and say yes, i would say "freaking is one way of describing this mountain insanity". then she says "I have many freaking clubs!" I practically peed myself because of the way she said it. oh man, what an awesome day!
We hiked along the ridge and bushwhacked for a good 2 hours up then went up through snow for another couple hours. At the top we had a glorious lunch of mountain vegetables, eggs, sausages, beer, peanuts, Easter colored M&Ms and Rosemary bread. Then back down, I slid on my tarp down the snow. However sadly the wind took the tarp from me on my last journey :(. Also on the way down, Shun Chan said we would take the super express (i.e. some form of trail) but there actually wasn't a trail and we had to go down for 3 hours through thick brush, and it seemed like almost by accident that we eventually ended back at the car. We didn't leave without picking some nice mountain vegetables first. I'm now the newest member of the freaking club...yay!



Also, my friend Sarah came during Golden week and we did lots of fun things including driving through 12 prefectures in 2 days! I will more pictures up later!!!!

会う （クリスのパーチ）poem saru=monkey

The rain falls softly
it's Saturday, I am at school.
My Zoo
for the year.
I am just a saru.
An eating, breathing, sleeping, walking, talking
Monkey.
What Amusement.
What Joy.
We get when we poke the monkey.
Feelings fluctuate
Seasons change
the monkey ages but remains
In her they see
a slice of humanity.
pizza with foreign flavors
tea with milk
a salary with strings
strings that form the Zoo
the Saturday school.
Strings that she breaks
and keeps
freedom is felt through difference.
The childlike joy of saru
is counterbalanced
by Naivete
Frustration.
The Cage.
Robots and Monkeys
Speak a Common Language after all.

Omiyage Season

Well its here. Omiyage season. It's everywhere. The little sweets and cakes form piles around my desk. old people, new people, everybody must give the obligatory yoroshiku onegaishimasu in cake form. I don't mind it, its pretty sweet to have snacks around at all times. I just think about how annoying it is when I have to buy it and more so how wasteful it is for the environment. But if it means smooth relations at work, it must be done. The desks have been moved and I now sit next to the teacher who chatters to himself. Additionally, he has a very definite and loud keyboard pecking pattern, vocalizing his writing as he types. Sometimes he will look over at my desk and mutter "oh oh, Japanese _________" and then I will respond and we will both just laugh. It's nice, but the teachers had a glimmer of mischievousness in their eyes when they asked me if it was ok to sit next to him. (Not actually asking me if it was ok, as the decision had already been made, but essentially asking me what I thought of it). Anyways, students are back and its funny to see how the 1st year students have matured. It's interesting to see them step through the stages of Japanese society to eventually become the teacher who talks to himself and who is chattering away next to me as I type.
The cultural differences in the Japanese workplace are vast. Conformity. Conformity. Conformity. Stratification. Stratification. Stratification. Conformity. Forced mobility. No mobility. Succumb to the higher authority. No questions. No questions. No questions. Robots. Ambiguity of response-conformity.
The Japanese language is actually built on the concept of ambiguity so you can easily avoid offending others by inadvertantly disagreeing. This ambiguity has saved my ass a number of times, but has also led to a few problems and many lingering questions!! Spring is here and my time is slipping through my fingers like cherry blossoms slip off the tree. The forthcoming presence of the blossoms in a few weeks makes this time last year seem like yesterday and I waver....has it really been a full year?! green is slowly overcoming the white and brown in the mountains of yesterday. Snowboard and skiing days are becoming fewer and far between. The warming weather plays tricks on my confused mind. Is it time for somewhere new or should I stay for next ski season? I was just getting started on the board I think to myself. Am I ready for the heat of summer? The deadlines of decisions. The finality of the job. The end of the paycheck. The possibilities of life.

Yakushima and lovely vacations

We went swimming and there were very few people on the beach because it was a little cloudy. But some Japanese people thought we were crazy for swimming so they took photos of us...


Liz and Trevor came, we had a super awesome time. Then Chris and I went to Kyushu....March has been refreshingly busy and vacationly AWESOME

monkeys!

I love having class on my own. I just got to work today and the teachers asked me to do class on my own because my JTE (Japanese Teacher of English) isn’t here again today. I love it. It happened last week twice too and class went really well. I love days like these because my job satisfaction goes up. Job satisfaction is something that I feel has gone mostly out the window since I came here and that really sucks. I love the country and the people and am enjoying my time here except when I am stuck at this desk with no classes. It can be very disheartening to sit here all day with no class, to have your other lessons already planned, staring out the window at the beautiful day, but being trapped by the building and the paycheck that keeps you glued to the seat. It might be better if I had the same status and responsibilities as other teachers so I actually felt like I was doing more. But I guess it all comes with the job title: Assistant (Language Teacher). I’ve been having some negative experiences with a JTE at one of my schools lately and that has been contributing to my negativity towards this job. I also realize that many of my blog entries lately have been negative. I think I tend to write more when I am feeling down because it helps me work out my feelings. So, I’m going to try to write more positive things from now on…..YAY. I love Japan! Wooo. And today, the students were pretty good in class. Oh, the coolest part about my weekend was seeing a couple of families of snow monkeys on the way to snowboarding at Tengendai. They were soo cute. And it was the first time I had seen monkeys in the snow. I will post pictures.

you can see all the monkeys in the woods
My friend Kelly

I came here for the Ramen

One day while at work, I decided to write for the JET essay competition. I need some work on the conclusion, but heres what I wrote so far.

Feb 6th, 2009
“I came here just for the ramen,” my JTE said to me laughing. There were no classes today again. Another day to study Japanese and play on the internet. Seriously, what am I here for? I thought to myself. After a nice night of homemade pitas and one and a half bottles of shared wine, it seemed cruel to wake up early with a slight wine headache to go to work only to sit at a cold desk all day. Some people might relish the days with no classes. Not me. I don’t want the words “could of” to be a part of my vocabulary when I speak of Japan after I leave. So I do what I can. Study when I can, read when I can, play with students when I can. Six more months. I think to myself as I sit here. I try to remember the words I read in a book by Thich Nhat Hanh, “joy and peace are the joy and peace possible in this very hour of sitting. If you cannot find it here, you won’t find it anywhere.” Hmmmm…which hour of my sitting must he be talking about? Currently I am in hour two of my 8 hour day of sitting. I look around, distracted from the essay I am writing. I have no idea what is so funny, what they are talking about or what is going on today. I must be in day 546 of culture shock. Even the Friday ramen club doesn’t sound appealing today. I don’t want to go home, yet I don’t want to be at this desk right now. Joy and peace are at hand. I cannot find them if I keep looking. They are right in front of me yet something is holding me back. Ah! A laugh crept out of me as the teachers in the staff room became abuzz with the prospect of ordering ramen quickly. Was that joy I just felt?

It must have been. I feel blank all of a sudden and don’t know what to write. I could write about all of my funny experiences and ridiculous encounters but they seem trite and commonplace the longer I am here. I could write about the profound impact I have had on the students and the students have had on me but I would feel as though I were lying to my readers and to myself. I am not going to write an essay about what I have accomplished while I am here because that is too cliché. Instead I will write exactly how I feel on this one and a half year anniversary of my time here. The happiness and childlike appreciation that I felt in month one has disintegrated. While my relationships with this country and its people has grown deeper, I feel like more of an outsider than I did before. Ignorance was bliss. Is it because I have become like one of them yet am still very removed? This language that we use, “us” and “them” just sets the stage for deeper division and separation. While I have come to share and teach others about our common humanity, I still cannot remove my certain prejudices and stereotypes that may never disappear as long as I remain the privileged white ALT. One of my JTEs asked me about what stereotypes I had about Japanese people before coming to Japan and I found it very difficult to remember. I can only think of the stereotypes that my friends and I now laugh at almost daily: “the Japanese are such bad drivers” “What the hell are they doing?” “I can’t believe they wanted you to take nenkyu for that!” “Do we really need another break for green tea?” “They actually thought….”
These things would not be funny in my home country because there is not this mentality of separation. In my home country, I am the one breaking for green tea 3 or 4 times during a nonstressful cleaning session. These stereotypes verge on becoming prejudices and racism if they are not properly attenuated. How can I get rid of my stereotypes when they still see me as an Alien? “They”, I said it again.
“They” and “me”. Will we ever feel だんけつ (solidarity, union)? I have heard that word a lot recently in reference to President Obama’s ascension to the Presidency. “Americans must have a lot of だんけつ right now,” I am told. What about here and now though? Will I ever fell　だんけつ with you? It has to start with me. I am the impetus for change. Can I change by removing my stereotypes? Probably not. Can I change by refusing to laugh at their bad driving? Definitely not, it’s too funny. This laughter does not stem from malice. In a way has become a catharsis for me, it is an outlet for my culture shock. Only when we can laugh at these things together, not just side by side, will we become we. I leave you with these thoughts of change. Accept where you can and change where is necessary. Embrace your ability as a free unencumbered alien to laugh at things you wouldn’t normally laugh at. Don’t hate but embrace. I can’t go on without sounding uberly cheesy. I have to get back to my 5 hours of Joy and Peace.

[(Don’t worry, im not going to leave the last part like that but I was having trouble wrapping it up because I was loosing my focus) I just free thought style wrote all of this and edited nothing after I wrote it. What do you think?]

First attempt at wrapping it up:
We includes that delicate position that us ALT’s find ourselves in as a mediator between student and teacher. Not quite a teacher, not quite a student, yet always learning. There is a delicate balance between the two, and if strike it just right, you can have the wonderful experience of having student and teacher friends. The same levels of friendship with different levels of speaking. Or, the same level of speaking for all! It is all too easy to get caught up on one side of the balance. With limited Japanese abilities it can be especially taxing to speak on the same common ground subjects everyday. Less people talk to you. There is less to say. You become detached and distant. Silenced by your own lack of motivation approaching that of the students’. You wander the school looking for a friend and you find the nurse downstairs who has always been so kind to you. Together you make origami dolls and laugh at the way the dolls look. Later you go to your Japanese friend’s house and you laugh at nipples and penises. Common ground has been found. We has become feasible through laughter. I came here to laugh.

This needs some work....let me know what you think.