I hate Katakana

I cracked a little today with one of the teachers whom is my friend outside of school but whom I strongly dislike teaching with. I asked to see the test she had made. I tactfully mentioned some places that had incorrect grammar. And then I noticed the katakana pronunciation part and I loudly exclaimed "I hate katakana!". It just kind of came out, I surprised myself as I said it. She said "I know but the students aren't motivated to pronounce things correctly so I use it". I was so angry I couldn't speak. She is not letting them learn correctly if they just use katakana. This is the excuse she uses all the time to shoot down ideas and to create an unexciting classroom. She also translates everything I say in class, ensuring that the students can get through a class without actually having to understand any English. Her attitude about the students brings me down as well. I remember last year when we were hiking Ghassan together (before I started teaching with her) she said "the students are so stupid aren't they?!" I don't think she understood that it was a bad thing to say, and then she said it again later. That event properly foreshadowed her attitude when she began teaching again. I don't think she should be teaching. She also told me that my salary is higher than hers and that she doesn't think its fair. (However, she is only a half time worker, so naturally this is the case). And she told me that I should loose weight...fair enough, but rude! The biggest thing that gets to me is her attitude towards students. She has no faith in them. No confidence, yet her tests and worksheets (if she makes them) are ridiculous and she doesn't seem to know what she's doing. I'm not suggesting that I know more than her, I'm just complaining because I don't know how to work with her. When I do the class on my own and stuff, she still translates everything...GRRRRR!!!!!
Also, in other news, I'm starting to get upset with myself for deciding not to go to the Arato bon enkai. The Arato teachers just asked me if I was going to Nagai Kogyo's bon enkai and I said I was. And I think they might have felt hurt because I am not going to theirs and it is a very special, fun event. Well, my reason for not going is silly, I have my Japanese class bon enkai on the same day. However, That bon enkai is kind of lame and nowhere near as fun as the Arato one, but they had asked me first. It probably would have been ok if I changed my mind last week, but now its just 2 weeks away. A few months ago, I was thinking I wouldn't go to the Arato bon enkai because I hadn't been invited to a normal school enkai in a while...but then a teacher told me that the school hasn't had any enkais, therefore, I couldn't be invited anyways! Now I'm a little concerned that I'm making relations with Arato bad because I am not going to their alcohol-induced bonding time. My original thinking was that it wouldn't change anything if I went...but actually I think it might. And now I've already told them I can't go so I need to just stick with this decision and not get upset or worried that I made the wrong decision! No more should have/could have/would haves!

Snow Snow Snow Yuki Daro!

the first snow came like a thief in the night. Stealing Fall before all the leaves were ready to fall. Now it feels like midwinter almost. It's cold in the hallways and I forgot what its like to sweat when I walk outside. Ski season is here. I'm very excited to ski and board but was dissapointed by the wet rain-snow-sludge first-snow-ofthe-year. It wasn:t the powdery white magical fluff that I wanted. It was reality: winter is here and you wont be turning off your heater until April. It is funny to think that half my time in Japan is spent under the kotatsu and on the ski slopes. I forget what the other seasons feel like while I:m living in the others. Winter is probably the longest season here. This winter I have 2 weapons I didn:t have last winter: A kerosene heater and a car! I've already managed to spill kerosene on my kitchen floor, making the whole apartment reek...now lets just hope I can learn how to drive in the snow quickly.
Some friends and I went to Nikko and Nasu to escape the snow for the weekend and see the sights. It was absolutely beautiful and I had a wonderful time. It was so nice to get out of Yamagata for the weekend. Yesterday when we returned, we entered Yamagata ken through a tunnell. One the fukushima side of the tunnel, all the roads were clear, but on the other side of the tunnel there was tons of snow--"Welcome to Yamagata!" the GPS welcomed us.

Karate

Chris and I went to our first Karate class last night. It was really interesting. Apparantly our karate master is the only one in the Japan who has these special healing powers. He also does alot of reiki. I stood in front of him and he tried to move me with his hands but I didn't move but I did feel something and it was kind of unsettling. Then he told me "your left leg is shorter than your right leg". Which is sort of true (I have a pretty big imbalance). I was surprised he could recognize that just by looking at me. He told me he would fix it at the end of the class without touching me. His healing powers are so great that The US military asked him to work for them and he turned them down. He also gaurded a secret meeting between the Taiwanese government and China at the Chinese Imperial Palace. He is a very relaxed man and he has a really kind smile. He also has a cute pot belly. The class was interesting. He taught Chris and I karate moves while the rest of the class meditated. Then he interupted one of the students during her meditation to ask her the English word for something. That was a little strange. Also strange was the shrine with an old refridgerator door as its center piece. On the refridgerator door was a shadow. The shadow is supposed to be the image of the female Buddha that came to him. At the end of class (which consisted of 15 minutes of stretching and 40 minutes of meditation) the students stood in a line while one student practiced moving the line of students without touching them. First they moved the line of people with their hands. I was skeptical when I saw people moving out of line and wondered how it worked. Then the master invited us to join the lines. We did and I did feel something pushing me. It was really interesting, I also fell out of the line. Next it was our turn. He gave us some of his power by patting our hands with his. I moved my hand and imagined a wall of force pushing the people out of line. They all moved. Shocku! I tried a few more times. Next we individually picked people to push out of line with our minds. We would have to say which number person we were pushing (so they would know if it was supposed to be them that was moving). So sometimes I would pick a different person in my mind than the number I said. Occasionally both would move, but sometimes just the number person I had selected. So their might have been some mental bias in their movements. No double blind study here! After 20 minutes of this (later we moved on to just using our eyes, then the backs of our heads) it began to get repetitive. Class ended. The master had me lie on the floor while a woman tried to use reiki to get my leg to grow. I felt a warmth in my lower back while she used her powers. She wasn't touching me at all. I couldn't see that it had made a difference but other people noticed it was a little different although not entirely fixed. Interesting. I left the class partially believing, but still very skeptical. I am a strong believer on the influence of mind and body and the effects they have on one another but this class seemed to be entirely focused on mind. I didn't expect the mind to have such powers without training the body first. I'm really excited to go back next time!!! I just wish I had found the class sooner!

oh Japan!

While doing my Halloween class (a few days after Halloween), Ohnuki sensei mentions to me “did you know some trick or treaters were shot and killed on Halloween?” “They opened the door and they were shot”. No, I hadn:t heard that. I searched for it on the news and still couldn't find it. Where do the Japanese people get all the news of all the gun violence in America. And why haven’t I heard of it. That’s why many people in this country are afraid to go to America. Because it’s scary and everyone has a gun. The movies don’t help to offset this stereotype. It’s frustrating. Another thing about Japan. There is a phenomenon called “hikikomori” in which young students who are often bullied retreat to their homes, never to go out again. (Or, if they go out, it’s only at night) The reason they are able to do this is because their parents cater to it. Their parents don’t know how to handle it so they continue to take care of their children and let them stay at home. [School in Japan is only compulsory until age 16 I think]. Normally when parents don’t know how to handle a situation with their child, they call the school. But this situation is a little different because once the child drops out, usually the school will not intervene. Recently, a girl at my school “quit”. I asked the English teacher if she would become a hikikomori (half joking, half-serious). The teacher said no. I mentioned that the problem of hikikomori only exists in Japan and isn’t it interesting. She replied that it’s because the Japanese people want to take care of their children. They must take care of their children, but in other countries, this is not the case. Americans leave their children to the wolves. Forcing someone at a young age to face the realities of big scary society is in my mind a greater service to them than the convenience of letting them stay at home and do what they want. How will they learn to function in society? This is definitely a case of not teaching someone how to fish! It is also an example of the enigmatic logic of the Japanese psyche.

Erection Day

I feel like a child on Christmas eve waiting for Santa Claus to come with these elections. It is kind of silly. I will wake up tomorrow morning and America will have a new president-elect. Well, more like I won't find out until tomorrow afternoon. I'm happy to have anyone but Bush but I'm really hoping for Obama. It worries me. I remember being in Spain 4 years ago on election day. All of the Americans went to this bar and we stayed up all night watching live TV and we watched as the states slowly went to red and blue. I went home before there was a clear winner because there was so much confusion. And then I remember going to school the next morning and people had been crying when they found out Bush won again. We were afraid for our country I guess. I think the fact that most foreign countries seem to be routing for Obama to win says something significant. I'm not sure if they actually know why they like him so much or if its just because he's the more liberal candidate. who knows...I'm not one to talk politics.

Pictures, remnants, writing without a purpose

5 classes tomorrow. Both a blessing and a curse. I've been a little depressed lately. Sometimes its Japan, sometimes its because I feel lonely here. There has been a real loss of friends this year and I feel like there is really just 1 or 2 people whom I can really count on. Other friends have removed themselves from my life and I feel a bit of bewilderment. I haven't made much of an effor to talk to the teachers at Arato thus I haven't been invited to many enkais lately. Which could be a good thing considering the costs. I think I need to go away for a bit and come back. I am happy with the work I have been doing but at school I am usually just ready to leave so I can do my after school activities. I'm really trying to enjoy my time here and the school festival was good for that. Also, hiking in the fall gets 5 stars. Its absolutely beautiful. But the thing that keeps me running these days is weekends and thoughts of my life when I'm ready to move on. I sent out a request for information about a graduate school for OT in Portland and they very promptly replied and asked for my transcripts/prereqs, etc. Wow! I wasn't ready for those realities yet! Emily told the owner of the Nepalese restaurant (Laxmi) about my (our?) potential plans for going to Nepal for a few months and that seemed to solidify those ideas in my head as well. I didn't want to mention those things to him or many people, but as I hear myself saying them more and more, they become more concrete possibilities in my mind.

Here is a picture of the rice field we planted and harvested.

Yamabushi!!

Here is an entry about my Yamabushi Training…I have written reflections along with some of my journal entries during the pilgrimage. I have cut out large chunks of details to keep the Yamabushi Training secret.

Yamabushi training was much easier than I expected. I arrived in a room full of Japanese people trying to dress themselves in the Yamabushi costume. I had no idea what to expect. Nor did I have any idea how to put on the funny costume.
I can:t really mention much about the training because it is supposed to be kept a secret. I sealed the secrecy by putting my thumbprint in the sacred book in a secret ceremony in the middle of the night. I will say what is already widely known about it. Yamabushi training comes from the Shugendo religion. Hachiko (no ogi) was the founder. The religion venerates nature and incorporates Buddhism with Shinto. And I think there may be a little bit of Daoism thrown in the mix. It is a branch of the esoteric Shingon religion and places emphasis on training and ascetic practices. [During the Meiji Era, Buddhism was forced to separate from Shinto and this is one of the few existing sects that still practice them together].
Anyways, I had a vague familiarity with this before I started, but really researched it after I finished. Luckily a few people spoke English and they explained a few things about the religion to me. I didn`t really know what I was getting myself into, all I really knew was that I wanted to go hike the 3 sacred mountains with other pilgrims and stand under freezing waterfalls and just experience life―not necessarily find anything. After all, This is part of what I came here for, wasn't it?
The group was mostly made up with older women. The youngest girl there was a student (21 years old). For 4 days I felt like a pet to all the obachans (older women) who continuously fixed my costume, corrected my mistakes, and generally tried to make everything about me more Japanese so I could fit in. There is a saying in Japan: "the nail that doesn't fit, gets hammered down". (or something like that) Anyways, I was the non-fitting nail. By day 4, I was more closely aligned with the other nails, yet still a bit abnormal. Being the only foreigner, that seemed natural.
On the last day the male monks chose me to carry the sacred tree branch, which they put in the ground somewhere. Keep in mind that I am not entirely sure or aware of the meanings of all the things we did and rituals we performed. I have a general fuzzy idea at best. Usually only after the fact do I figure out the significance of my actions. Anyways, I was pleased that I got to help perform this ritual. There was a lot of chanting that was pretty hard to keep up with because it was all written in cursive Japanese that I can only read slowly.



1st day of training
Haguro san. Lots of breaks were taken so we could pray. There were tons of photographers!! No idea where those pictures are now. Also we had a much larger meal then I expected. Potato, fried/boiled tofu, some kind of vegetable, and rice+miso! I was trying to enjoy my meal slowly, think of every bite as I chewed, and contemplate the various people who worked so that such food could be before me. Aki looks over at me…”Hurry up!!!!” she says with urgency. This was epitome of the Japanese meal—speed eating! Even while “fasting,” and “training,” we were speed eating! It blew my mind. No food meditation for me!
2nd day
On this day, I am disappointed by the large amounts of rice we are forced to consume. It is far too much rice for me and I try to pass it off on others but sometimes I am too late. It looks really bad if I don’t finish my rice too, so I have to finish. ......

There is a women here who thinks I know more Japanese than I do and she is always trying to help me. It is very sweet but I feel bad because sometimes I don’t understand her. She goes through great efforts to try to explain to me—the big buffoon gaijin! I do appreciate many of her explanations.


Yudono san was the most sacred of the 3 mountains of Dewa Sanzan and a place that people weren’t supposed to talk about…Not surprisingly…this was my favorite day of the trip. The day of rebirth. Living in Japan I’ve gotten used to having no idea what to expect next or having no schedule of events. I thought we were going to have a difficult hike up Yudono san and go to the very top but it turns out that it’s a rather easy mountain and now you can drive up it. We didn’t go the car route though. We went through an old, overgrown shrine trail through the river. Wearing our white pilgrim costumes we hiked through the river, scrambled up the rocks, and up the lush mountainside, clapping at shrines and beautiful kami-inspired scenery along the way. Some of the older Obachans elected to walk along the easy car route though. I kept wondering at every waterfall-was this the freezing waterfall that we were going to stand under? It never was. We came to the abode of the main deity of Yudono san. It resides in a large rust colored rock from the top of which a spring of hot water flows. The rock itself was impressive and it was nice to walk up it. After some chanting and praying, it was time for our rebirth in the falls. I was ready. Until I actually felt how cold the water was. Hiking though the river at the bottom wasn’t so bad, but this water seemed to have come from another source! It was freezing! A kind of unpleasant, numbing freeze. I couldn’t stand to have my feet in it for long so I tried to avoid it, but then it was my turn. I went in. The priests stayed in the water the entire time to chant with us and (bless us??) I’m not entirely sure what they were saying, nor how they managed to stand for so long in the water! The priest stood behind me, as I was submerged below the water, he was chanting things. He made some sort of symbol on my back with his hands. Then I joined another woman and we went under the falls together chanting “Kami Hari Domo Kami Hari Domo Kami Hari Domo”. The falls were freezing but when I was in, it was ok. I wanted to do it again. It was an incredible feeling. One uber zealous woman went in almost 5 times!! The whole Yudono san experience makes me want to do the pilgrimage again next year. I really did feel reborn. The namban—pepper smoke, midnight wake-ups, and speed eating, I could do without.


At Yudono san the Buddhas are at the left of the sacred rust colored rock. To take part in the ritual in which you stick a paper doll to the cliffside where water trickles down you had to have paid extra money to be a special pilgrim. Later I read that the this place is where the ancestral spirits who are now considered to be “buddhas” come into spiritual contact with those who perform the offerings.


Summary of my thoughts on this religion―clap twice at things beautiful in nature and you will find God. Purify yourself and don:t forget the Kami. My God moment came when I watched the sunset with another older Japanese woman and then we had a nice hug afterwards. No words were exchanged. It was truly the best hug from a Japanese person that I have ever given/received.

Shall we tak over a cup of wine?

So its been a great 3 day weekend.
"Whats food is famous in England" "ORANGE"
Team All Night Dance Party (That was us)
Team Hotta Potta Senior. Where do they get this English?
Team We Are Women. Team Baseball Captain.
Chris had a pet squirrel named Toby/Judy.

"nice couple". "This is Ohnuki" Penis shaped snowman = masturbatory gestures.
"opapapapapapapotato"
"yes please my asshole"
And the winners of our pub quizz got delicious marmite sandwiches. hahah

long time no blog

Well, Fall is here.
Students are going crazy. One student came into the teachers room (during forbidden entrance time because of test preparations) and pushed a teacher beacuse he was very angry. I don:t really know the full explanation because it wasn:t really an appropriate time to ask. [Such an action is VERY unusual for a Japanese student]. Then yesterday another student, who is my table tennis buddy, had a hyperventillation breakdown. All the teachers rushed to surround her. She was in the hallway or bathroom. I didn:t go, but I did ask for an explanation this time. The teacher told me it was probably because of friends fighting. What is going on in my school?! All of the teachers know the students on this intimate level. But I only get a few glimpese into whats happening from stuff that occurs in front of me, one of the part time JTEs, and occasionally from the Chinese student who comes to talk to me and tell me how much he hates the school and wants to go to America! He said to me the other day that he thought Japanese people were cold! I was very surprised but at the same time, I can see where he is coming from as an Asian outsider meant to assimilate their culture. They might not be as accepting of him, whereas with me, they accept me as an outsider who will remain an outsider. No threat from this blonde haired blue eyed camp folks!!
I am at a roadblock with my Japanese. I recently put kerosene fuel in my car and realized it after I had filled it about 5 liters. Luckily, they were able to drain my car with no problems. Because I realized it early and didnt start the engine, the fuel didn:t enter the system, so I saved alot of money. Speaking with the gas attendants, I realized though, that my Japanese is nowhere near where it should be. And with my family coming in a few months, I had better start absorbing faster!
My gas gauge was broken after they emptied the tank, so they told me to go to the car shop and when I suggested it was the gas people that broke it when they emptied the tank they said "no no no, its definately because your car is 20 years old....there is no other explanation!" What?!?! This is one of the frustrating things about not being able to speak. I had my Japanese mama with me so she helped out alot, but everything had to go through her and she agreed with the mechanic, so it was useless. Her English isn:t that good so most of the time I only partially understand her. And the English she does speak is just like the Japanese I speak.
Anyways, they didn:t want to fix the gas gauge and so they keep telling me to use the odometer and then they reset it and so now I have no idea how much gas is in my car!
In other news, I went on a cool religious pilgrimage for 4 days at the beginning of September. I will post a blog about some parts of it, but I was sworn for secrecy so I have to be selective with what I write!

June 24th email

Leg blankets have been replaced with fans, the vending machines now have more cold drinks than hot, school uniforms have changed (but the skirts remain hiked up), the sun is setting later, bugs are emerging, the 100yen store is selling fireworks and waterguns and "atsui" is the new favored expression in the staff room. Summer is here. Its cherry picking season in Yamagata. Many prefectures in Japan are famous for a certain type of food. Whether these designations are arbitrary or business-driven, I don:t know. While I do think some prefectures have some legitimate bragging rights, sometimes it seems rather random. My prefecture happens to be famous for cherries. And our cherries are expensive!!! I had my first taste of Yamagata cherries as my reward for participating in the Higashine Sakuranbo Marathon. They were delicious but nothing seemed particularly special about them. To me, they were just cherries. Not really worth the $30-$40 a box price. The real fun lies in the cherry picking. Which I got to do last week with a Japanese friend. [I will preface this story by saying that lately I have been hanging with two older, unmarried Japanese women in their 50s who seem to be older, wiser, versions of 2 different sides of my personality―one loves hiking, gardening, and Bob Dylan; the other one loves beer, stupid jokes, and can get crazy and semi-naked]. I went cherry picking with the crazy one.

She picked me up in her black air-conditioned car and her, and Amy (another Japanese woman) and I went to the cherry trees. She buys her own tree every year―which costs around $300 a year. Rich Tokyo folks will spend up to $700 on a tree and then they have to come up to Yamagata to pick the cherries. So, we went to her tree and I climbed and started picking. 5-10 minutes later her and Amy took cigarette breaks and started talking their friend who worked at the place. The were calling him "gigi" (old man) and he was firing back with the name calling. I climbed down. We started throwing cherries at him. He brought us some sour cherries to eat. More name calling and cherry throwing ensued. I went back up and picked a little more but then Amy and Chiaki (my friend) had had enough. We left and then sorted and boxed cherries to send to customers and family in Tokyo. I now have a deeper appreciation of Japan's need to have and exploit local specialties. Its about the experience.

In other rumors and news, tomorrow there is supposed to be a large earthquake that will destroy large parts of Yamagata prefecture. Rumor has it that predictions have been made by Chinese Astrologists, a random medicine woman in Mexico, and a group of Brazilian midgets. It is a bit disconcerting considering the recent earthquake in China and the 7.8 earthquake we had in Northern Japan last weekend (I felt the earthquake as a 4 in my town). Today we are supposed to have emergency drills―but I think these drills are just coincidence. And my friend who was recently in Tokyo told me that a couple people in Tokyo asked her if she was in Tokyo to escape the big earthquake that was supposed to happen. Ridiculous. I don:t really believe it. But if I don:t reply tomorrow…

Not much else is happening around here, I keep busy during the weeks and on weekends. It is a little weird to still be in school this late in June. I used to think the 3rd, 4th and 5th year JETs were crazy―how could they stay away from their family and friends for so long? But now I get it. This country is incredibly easy to live in and when you build your life here, it becomes hard to leave it. However, the job as an ALT is what drives people away after the standard 2 year stint. Depressing winter months with no classes, the inability to see the student's progress, little to no job autonomy, being consistently kept in the dark about some things, and generally―you are just an outsider and an assistant at that. However, it can be really FUN! Not to mention all the Japanese responsibilities that are forgone precisely because of your foreign assistant status. I can go to sports clubs and play sports with the students and I don't have to work every weekend like many of the club teachers. Many ALTs leave because they want more job responsibility, not because of Japan.

Elementary School, Earthquakes, and Rocky LSATS

I went to Elementary school today and absolutely loved it. Although I think I would probably tire of it if I had to do it every single day of the week. The kids are so much happier than the high schoolers and they all love to participate!! They also grabbed my hand and took me to play with them and asked me tons of questions in Japanese...What a change! I love it. I wish I could get more random elementary days. Its also interesting to see the students at a much younger level and to imagine which of the current high school student personalities they will eventually morph into: the lackadasical student, the eager student, the reclusive student, the painfully shy student, the ADD student, the perpetually asleep student, the big hair student, the overweight student, etc. I love the elementary age when they are all participating without self-consciousness although I saw some of their self-consciousness kick in when one student got the wrong answer and was reluctant to answer questions for the next 20 minutes. It can be sad to see how in high school all the students seem to form separate cliques and become viscious protectors of those clique members and how the painfully shy students (male and female) try to absorb themselves into the background. You do something to offened others in the clique and your fucked. No questions are asked, acidic stuff is said and written, that particular student's well-being is on the line. There are no explanations, it appears to be much easier just to write someone off rather than try to fix things in some cases...I can see it in the puri kuras of students whom have crossed out a picture of someone previously in the picture. I hear about it when the teachers tell me about the internet bullying which happens over kei-tais and internet blogs. These poor high school girls come into the teachers room crying sometimes. [Surprisingly, I am learning that this can still happen in your 20s, and even in your 30s!!] The phenomena of Hikikomori is unique to Japan and I think that says alot about the collective culture and just how debilitating it can be sometimes. Recently a man in Akihabara stabbed a bunch of people with a knife, I think he actually killed some people. He was arrested and is now in jail. His reasoning was that he was tired of life and he didn't like Japanese society. I was speaking with my Japanese friend about this (the Jam Lady, whom I go hiking with often) and she said "why didn't he just kill himself if he was so tired with society" "If he wanted out, he should just kill himself...thats the best way for everyone". Something about this statement seemed to sum up the Japanese viewpoint to me. It also struck a funny chord with me. It was one of those statements that you could think, "hmm, yea, I see your point" but then later think "what the hell?!!?". However, I think in this case, I was thinking "what the hell" from the very start....Anyays, I've been chewing on it for a few days. There is so much suicide in this country yet its rarely on the news and its never talked about as a problem endemic to Japan. (And while its not an endemic problem, it certainly happens more here than anywhere else!) It appears to be a widely accepted way of getting out of a troublesome situation. I realize that I have just made it through both mixed CDs from the quadlings and it is almost 1am...yikes!!! Dear Matthew Stone: Thank you for the Pearl Jam :)

pictures and happy fun time

Ah, I feel like Ive been falling behind with the blog with all that has been happening these days. Clare and I were interviewed for TV twice last weekend. Once at the shi shi festival and the next day at rice planting. I wasn:t able to actually see either of the interviews though, which is probably a good thing. At the shi shi festival the guys controlling the lion made it snap 4 times in front of my face...which is supposed to bring good luck. It was a little odd though because they were muttering to me in a deep voice and then snapping this huge head mere centimeters away from my face. In other news, random vacation days in the middle of the week a couple of weeks ago were fruitful with lots of hiking and fun. These days I feel like I could live in Japan forever. Japan is such an easy country to live in. I see why many people stay here. But, it is not home...and I do miss home. My time to visit home is quickly approaching and while I:m really looking forward to it, it will be strange to know that its probably the last time I will be in our house in Maryland because my parents are moving within the next year :(. Im also hoping to see everyone but I know in reality, time wont allow for that. My thoughts are fractured as I write this blog. A morning spent looking up international grad schools and places to volunteer/work has only proved to confuse me further by widening my possibilities for post-JET life. Do I really want to go to grad school? Where, When, Why, For What? Transient ideas fill my head, some more solidified than others. Nomadic life: is it a good thing? I frolic in the knowledge that I have another year of the Japan safety net. And as I am here, I really need to be HERE. That said...time to learning Japanese!

Blogging: The epitomy of ego

Who are blogs for anyways. Answer me that.
Anyways, I write this for you. You who is reading this. But anyways, I write this mainly for my friends at home, whom I think want to hear updates on what Im doing in this country. But maybe they don:t want to hear. In which case, why do I bother? Why do I bother other than the fact that I have no classes for 2 week blocks around test time and am stuck at a desk with Japanese study books and a computer. well, thats your answer. Or maybe its my answer. Maybe I write this for me so that I can convince myself that my time in Japan is actually happening and I can validate it by uploading data. Who am I other than the data that surrounds me? Maybe thats why I'm here, to give myself more data.
I wrote a letter to Abby today and thought I would post part of it here for well...in honesty, simply because I think its interesting and this is a blog and thats what you do on blogs. you fill in the gaps.
"Its mountain vegetable collecting time in Japan. It is sad because none of the younger generations seem to go out an collect mountain vegetables like their parents. I can see this slow paradigm shift just by looking at a cross section of generations. I wonder when the day will come that no-one knows which mountain vegetables to pick anymore. After reading "Omnivore's Dilemna" (and before reading it too) I feel this dissattachment from the food we eat is increasingly imminent in Japan where packaged food is ridiculously widespread and few people have time to cook meals for themselves let alone gather it. (exempt from this are the Obachans and housewifes and farmers who are the ones still gathering the mountain veggies.) Japan is becoming, and I hate to say this cliche of westernization, so I wont, I will simply say, it is becoming a faster society. A society of convinience. I hate to generalize and to make broad statements based on a few scattered examples I have seen in my limited world of Nagai, Japan, so if you are reading, take this at face value. Back to the generational cross-section. Of all the Japanese people I know, the ones I know the least about on the inside are the students. Sometimes I get the occasional personal divulgence from them, but I always feel like something is hidden. There is something that I cant quite seem to get. Perhaps it is because I am an outsider to their culture. Its hard to really know what goes on in the Japanese student's mind. It seems very similar to the American student's mind yet there is this certain element of innocence and naivete attached to it that is lacking in the American students' mind. There also appears to be an incredible sense of conformity to social norms and groupthink. I went to the table tennis match on saturday and when our team lost, many of the girls were crying. One girl was crying especially hard because her game was very close and she felt as though she had lost it for the whole team. She is actually one of my favorite table tennis friends (although not the best student) she always talks to me at practice. I gave them all hugs and comforted them but there wasn:t much I could say or do other than that. It was at that time that I really felt more like a teacher than a friend. I had not played with them, I didn:t share their pain in loosing. There are so many moments at this job where I feel like one of the students. It was curious to have a teacherly moment that all Japanese teachers experience daily in their roles as teachers/caregivers/parents to these students. These students that they see almost more than the actual parents see the students.
So Ive kind of deviated from the original letter I wrote to Abby and have gone off on multiple tangents. But I:m just going to end this on a tangent of the tangents. In conclusion: American and Japanese students should pick more mountain vegetables.

miyagi camping trip

abbriviated version of our camping trip in Miyagi ken. Pictures to come.
Started off with a samurai battle reenactment by the banks of the river. It was a lot of waiting around for a little bit of action. Some foreigners got to be Samurai too. Their glorifiying moment was crossing the river in full armor to go to battle the opposing samurai. But now that I know how much waiting around in the blazing sun that that requires, I don't think I will be doing it next year. I did however manage to cross the big river 3 times later that day in my underwear.
Near our camping spot there was a beautiful river with crystal clear waters, chock full of swimming holes and waterfalls, a million times nicer than the Patuxent. but it gave me good memories of home. When we were hiking it was raining a little and the water was so cold that we couldn't swim in it really. I hope to go back there and hang out in the clear river someday soon! Our second night of camping we were happily drinking beers and plum wine and sake, singing along to Jeff and his guitar. Then Jeff plays this demonic death song on his guitar that comes out of nowhere. (It was pretty funny for a death song). After that we go to sing yellow submarine. Despite the massive winds that are going on and the rain around us, we are under a covered area with tables and a cooking fire so things are manageable. Then the wind tarp blows off posts of the covered area and we see our behemoth tent blown over on its side. It was as if Jeff summoned the wrath of the gods with his death song. Craziness ensued for the next hour. Everyone sobered up quickly. And the random jeep that conintually passed our campsite with its headlights didn't reeapear for the next hour. We were like ants in an army trying to dissasemble and reassemble tents. protect everything from the crazy wind. We moved our tents to a grassy area below the toilets. safe at last. 1:30am. Then the weird guy with the jeep starts shining his lights at us. What the hell. How creepy. Jeff and I go over to investigate. The sky is dark with brilliantly lit stars and gray clouds. There is no rain but the wind is still wrapping itself around everything in its path. We approach the jeep. "sumimasen" we call out. But the man in the jeep doesn't answer. It is very weird and odd. I got one of those uncomfortable, this-could-be-dangerous feelings which I rarely ever get in this country. We stand there for 4 minutes calling out to him and shining our light towards his truck and on ourselves. No answer. He drunkinly stumbles out. "mutter mutter mutter, I like my car, mutter mutter mutter" what?! He apparantly lives in the house but decided to hang out in the car parked in the driveway and watch some gaijin entertainment for the night. He was confused. I couldn't sleep for most of the night with the winds howling and creepy drunk man on the prowl. but when I finally did fall asleep, I woke up early the next morning anyways. I saw our drunken friend and he said he had been drinking since 4 am that morning. Which would have meant that he had gone to bed for 2 hours, then woke up at 4 and started drinking again. What?! Anyways, the next day was glorious and beautiful. The wind had pushed away every cloud in sight. We had a nice involved slow food brunch of eggs, fruits, hot coco, tea, yogurt, granola, coffee, juice, ancient salad, onions and tomatos, and fired toasted bread. Delicious and perfect. Later that day we played some fun American touch football. It was weird to play football after being so used to rugby. All the Brittish people were still in rugby mode too. Dorie, was the star of the game. For her first time playing, she scored 2 goals and did really well!

Sakura!

I just went to the wierdest Yoga class of my life!!!! The teacher warned me that this would be different then Yoga I was used to. Then she told me it was Hatha yoga so I thought "oh, ok, I can do that, I did Hatha yoga back home". However, whatever we did was not Hatha yoga. You know how Japan just takes everything and Japanizes it (for example: Katakana, Christmas, Spaghetti, Pizza, Hip hop, bread, Valentines day)well, this was definately Japanized Yoga. The teacher yelled through the entire one minute of savasana. Savasana was done during the middle of the class rather than at the end And at the end we had partners that we gave some very strange somewhat uncomfortable massages too. The teacher choose me to be her partner since I was new and pretty soon she was jumping on the backs of my thighs. Then there was confusion and I ended up pathetically trying to follow her instructions to give a tiny japanese man a massage. He was trying to tell me what to do but his face was down and he was speaking Japanese so I didn't understand anything. Anyways. That was my day. Oh yea, and at work I was left in the teachers room all alone so I hopped out the window onto the balcony and I got caught by the gardener. He asked me why I didn't use the door and I told him to keep it a secret. I love being strange!

Here are some pictures of human chess and stuff

what?!?>

Weird things JD and I have noticed this week about Japan:
Knee extenders to make you taller (essentially "cartilige builders")
Penis reshaping tools
cream to remove almost nonexistent facial hair
(These first 3 things were found in a fasion magazine left at the climbing action park) In the magazine the cartilige builders had pictures analogous to those seen in weight loss adds with before and after photos of completely different people. If you took the cartilige enhancer, you could grow up to 18cm taller in 6 months!!!!!
oh, and on TV today we saw a class showing woman how to prevent a vaginal prolapse.
There are more weird things but thats all for this week!

driving miss daisy

So, after months of bumming rides off of Joey D and co, I am somewhat reluctantly acquiring a "free" car. Nicole asked if I wanted her car for free, and I said yes. Its not really free though, because I have to pay the shaken that comes up every 2 years, plus car insurance. Not to mention other hidden costs. Lately, I've been remembering why I didn't want a car in the first place. Mainly because of enviornmental reasons, secondly, I don't want to become lazy and I want to continue to ride my bike the hour to school, and lastly, because roads in Japan are narrow and I have a tendency to get lost. But it will be very convinient for next year when I work more English camps and do CCM stuff. I can't keep going back and forth about it and at this point I am in so deep with the paperwork that there is no backing out. I should have the car by the end of the week! I drove it on sunday for an hour and that was fun. It was really weird to drive though. It has taken over a month for the teachers to help me with all the paperwork. And just when I thought things in Japan couldn't get any more ridiculous, Haga sensei pulls out his measuring tape to measure my parking space. There needs to be a map of the place where my car is parked he explained. "OH! of course!" I should have known. If only I could remember all of the absurd WTF moments of my life in this country up until now. Actually, its probably better that I forget some of them. Yesterday would be one. I went to the wrong school. It was opening ceremony day and I didn't know I was supposed to be at my base school. They called me. But everything worked out ok. There is always a lack of communication with things that they assume I know but I don't. For example, I went to school once only to discover it was a holiday and nobody told me. Anyways, I met one of the new teachers I will be working with. She is really good and smart so I am excited to be working with her. I haven't seen the other part time teacher yet though. I will post a couple of pics from the morning of the ducks with Kyoko.

email

Hello and good day to everyone! The day started off rainy and then turned to sleet and now to snow. And to think I thought the relentless winter was over! Cherry blossoms are blooming in Tokyo and 80% of the snow had melted when I returned from my spring break but now it feels like the spring of the last couple of weeks was just a dream. I’m going skiing tomorrow too, which will further prolong the onset of spring in my mind. Spring is definitely in the air at school though. The students graduated March 3rd. It was a very touching ceremony although I didn’t understand most of it, I felt the emotion in the students. I went into their classroom to say goodbye to a few of them after the ceremony. They had written on their chalkboard in paper flowers “go away”. I thought it was really funny because they obviously didn’t understand the English connotations of “go away”. I wrote in many of their yearbooks and they all said “wakaranai” ( I don’t understand). I hope they will someday. I am sad to see the 3rd year students go because they were my favorite and smallest classes (around 20 students per class compared to the 40 some students in other classes). Very few of these students will go on to college. Maybe 50% will go to trade school. I’m also very sad because every spring there is a changeover of teachers and administrators. They go by the lottery system and the prefectural government randomly decides who will go and who will stay. The teachers who must leave are given just under 2 weeks and are told they have to change to said school in said location. Usually they also have to move from their apartment. This is done ostensibly to prevent corruption in the school system that could occur if one person remains in the same location for too long. I think it is both good and bad. It sucks because the teachers don’t get much say in the matter. I think they can put in a request if they want to leave, but sometimes it is not granted. It also sucks because some teachers are very well established and do well at their current school. However it is good because it gives the teachers a chance to work at a variety of schools that they might not otherwise get to experience. In Japan they group schools by high academic, low academic, technical, agricultural, and industrial. So if you are at a low academic school for your entire teaching career you are bound to become a little jaded. I went to both going away parties for the teachers and administrators who were leaving. I’m very sad because my 2 closest Japanese friends at both schools are leaving. Also, the cute science teacher is leaving :(. One friend who is leaving is my supervisor and my lifeline. We have built up a very strong relationship over these past 8 months and it is hard for me to see her go. But its good because she is going to a high academic all girls school and I think it will be really good for her. Also, both Kyoto sensei (vice principals) are moving and changing jobs. This is also sad because I really like both Kyoto sensei. One of them will be promoted to Kocho sensei (principal) which means I won’t see him as much since he won’t be working in the staff room. The Kyoto sensei is the supervisor in the staff room who okays everything and with whom I clean the staff room after school everyday. The Kyoto sensei at my technical school keeps everything playful and fun. You can always count on him to slurp down a huge bowl of ramen with the other teachers at lunch. Unwittingly I got myself into the dangerous realm of sake wars at the going away party. I would pour Kyoto sensei some sake (because that’s what you are supposed to do at these parties) and immediately I would have to drink the next cup he presented to me. But he kept wanting more so I kept having to refill and the cycle continued. My Japanese magically got better.

Onto spring break and the penis festival. I wrote a little about this in my blog already and posted some pictures. I will also post this email in my blog. At the penis festival there were drunk men, free sake, and wooden penises abound. Nuf said. The farm was fun and I think I might find another one to work at during golden week but I hope I get to speak more Japanese for the next one. I learned a lot at the farm but want to learn more.
pics that are sometimes and randomly updated: http://www.flickr.com/photos/rwickizer/

penises, farms, sakuras

What a week! Haru yasumi is over and I am sad. Its cold back home! The shink back to Nagai was ridiculously packed. Even the aisles of the unreserved cars were filled. Anyways, vacation. Its difficult to retell everything that happened because there was so much.
I'll start with the penis festival. There was a 2 meter, 620 pound phallus and a group of men paraded it through the town to the shrine with the waiting female counterpart, i.e. vagina. The festival was orginally celebrated to herald new growth and fertility. Regeneration, new growth, substenence for survival, all encompassed in penis and vagina. The paradigm of reproduction.
I will put some pics up of the festival. When I arrived in town, it was very early because I had taken the night bus to Nagoya. It was almost like a ghost town, but by 1pm, the town was full of gaijin and Japanese people waiting to catch a glimpse of the phallus, chow down on choco penis banana, penis sautee, yakisoba, penis pops, and food on a stick. When the crowds were starting to grow, a man wanted me to pose with him in a picture with the penis and all of these huge nikon lenses and expensive looking cameras popped out of nowhere. I have no idea why, but he wanted me to put his yellow cloak over my large pack too. I had to stand there for almost 5 mintues while numerous pictures were taken. Other Japanese people who were waiting to have there photo taken with the phallus were visibily annoyed. I still don't know why there were so many pictures of me with this man and the penis.
Nagano ken rocks! Other stuff happened like a party at Logan's with a very interesting keg. It was good to see where Logan lived. He has some nice inaka life going on there.
Then it was on to the farm in Yamanashi ken. I thought I would be staying with the Farmer's mother who only spoke Japanese. But apparantely there had been problems with that in the past so all current Woofers stay at his house. So, it ended up just being me and the farmer hangning out one on one all day for 4 days straight. I was dissapointed because he spoke mostly in English and I didn't get to practice nearly as much Japanese as I would have liked. Also it was a bit strange hanging with this old dude who kept calling me cute because of my blonde hair. All in all, it was good though, planted some grapes, learned a few things, went to a winery, strawberry farm, etc. He also had a really cute hyper black retreiver. Not golden, black. So I got to walk/run the dog every morning.
The night hike for wednesday night was canceled because of rain. I was really dissapointed. Then the alternate hike for thursday fell through too because of weather. Bummer again. But I met a random Yamanashi JET and we went to a nice Italian place, then to Tokyo.
Later, in Tokyo, I met up with Erin and Gengo. Went to the museums, Ueno, tokyo tower, harajuku, etc. The usual Tokyo fanfair. This is ending now because I'm going to bed.

graduation, etc

Recently I started remembering why I decided to stay in Japan for another year. I want to watch the seasons change again. Its beautiful watching spring come. Some days winter seems to resurface with a vengeance. But then the melt of spring quickly overtakes. Clare, Joey D and I went to Zao on Saturday, most likely the last ski of the season. The end of my first year is quickly approaching.

So graduation was the other day…It was weird to be on the other side of graduation, watching all the students graduate instead of being the one graduating. Some of the girls cried and I felt for them. And afterwards some students came up to me and actually told me “Rebecca, Thank you” It was very touching. Then, I went into one of their classrooms to find they had written “Thanks” and “Go away” in paper flowers on one of their chalkboards. It was hilarious. Shows how much English I have taught them over the past 6 months. Then I got to sign all the yearbooks and make the peace sign repeatedly for numerous pictures. I will really miss the san nen sei, they were my favorite students. Today, the new students are in for testing which means the teachers are really busy but of course…not me!! I got rid of 3 years worth of Bang the Drum ALT publications, old contracting procedures, and tons of other paperwork that my predecessor never bothered to clean out. Yay cleanliness!!! Lets see…what else has happened lately? I woke up at 6 to go see the swans and sunrise with Kyoko Koyama. It was beautiful. We fed them, watched them squawk and pur, I saw a fox. It was a good morning. Ill put some pictures below….maybe.

ooki iee

So my desk neighbor just told me to go to Kanazawa but told me "take care not to abduct" "north korea very close". hes so funny. Earlier we were on Google Earth and he spent almost 15 mins trying to find Randy's house in California. Then I found my houe in Maryland, and he announced it to the staff room and about 7 teachers plus kyoto sensei came over to see my house. Everyone commented on how big it was. Talk of my large house continued throughout the day. I stupidly found the house I grew up in in California...which appeared to be even bigger. My house was compared to the size of Yamagata university in Yonezawa. Definately an overstatement. I kept saying, average, normal. But they all continued to laugh at the absurdity of America's super-sizedness. Oh well. At least they like to talk to me at this school. Days at this school are much better than Arato. Although I don:t get to interact as much with the students here aside from the occasional cooking class and sometimes staying after for softball. The teachers here at Nagai are much more friendly and kyoto sensei rocks. Last weekend my friend from Tokyo came to visit and we went skiing at Zao. We also had a very busy day on sunday. I want to go skiing this weekend but my ankle is still hurting from the Sapporo trip and its probably not a good idea. Work has been aweful lately. No classes leaves me feeling depressed and down. And when I do get i front of the class and try to act out a dialogue, the students sometimes dont react. I shouldnt be complaining though. Free time is great. Free time when you are chained to a desk is overrated. Sometimes I just wish my desk would absorb me. JET knows right when to get you for recontracting. Right before the depression of winter and no classes sets in. Its also depressing because it seems like many friends are having visitors from family, friends, boyfriends, exboyfriends. And I dont think my family can come. But anyways I think spring is coming...Im hoping to get to travel and see a little more of Japan. ok, back to the good old nihongo.

omigaye

oh yea, and somehow my secret Hokkaido trip got out and the teachers found out about it. I had asked my JTE not to tell anyone but I think he did. Then on tues, all the teachers asked me how Hokkaido was and I felt like a complete ass becuase I hadn't brought back any Omiyage (sovouneirs).
Later on tuesday some other teachers asked me to help them bake some cakes and I really enjoyed staying after to help them do that. It gives me a chance to practice Japanese. Yay, ikebana class tonigh to look forward too!

homesick in napjan

the seasoned ALTs are right....February and March are the worst times to be an ALT. No classes, cold outside, not much to do about it. They know right when to get your for recontracting before you change your mind. Recently I have been really tempted to change my mind. Although I have friends here, its not like being home with old friends. I feel sad. Not having any classes contributes to this sadness and makes the days much longer. Its killing me just having to sit here at my desk...at least I can search on the internet for exciting things to do. I think I'm going to go to a fertility festival on March 15th near Nagoya then go work on an organic farm for a few days. Unfortunately we get so little vacation that thats all I can afford to take off. I don't get it. Graduation is March 3rd...a sunday. So I have to come to school for that and then on top of that, I have to take 2 hours of my vacation to go to a graduation party in the middle of the workday on a monday because all of the other teachers are doing it. Not only do I have to take vacation time, but I also have to pay 5000 yen (50 dollars) to go to the party. I don't get it! The other teachers seem to think my Japanese has gotten better, but thats only because my vocabulary has increased....I still have trouble making good sentences. But its good to know that some studying is paying off. There is a big snowstorm outside right now. Craziness. This weekend I will go skiing at Zao for the first time. I am excited. Gengo from Tokyo will come up to visit and I will go with 2 other teachers from school. Yay! Hokkaido was brilliant. Went skiing at Niseko mountain. Wish I could have skiied more though. The snow and ice sculputures for the snow festival were amazing. I don't have them on my computer yet, but will get them up soon. Sapporo brewery was also a highlight of the trip. I want to go back to Hokkaido in the summer for some hiking. its a nice place and beautiful.

kyoto sensei

so, I haven:t written much on this blog, but for a quick update--kyoto sensei at Nagai kongyo is awesome. I love him. And the teachers here are really great too. thats not to say they aren:t great at my other school, but its just 2 completely different atmospheres. Anyways, I had asked a while ago about going skiing with the students. The answer was a tentative, indirect no. Fueled by by the thought that I would have no classes at this school for the next month, which meant endless hours of desk sitting, I asked again today. Kyoto sensei asked me about my other school (Arato koko) and what their opinion on the matter was. I told them what the other kyoto sensei (Kenshyu) said. My JTE and the cool kyoto sensei responded with a lot of grumbling and Japanese that I didn:t understand. I asked what it meant...and my JTE said "ehh, uhh...goddam Kenshyu". hahaha, it was hilarious. I couldn:t manage to hold back all of my laughter. My JTE is so cute. Anyways, the ski answer was better this time. I still couldn:t go with the students because it meant the school would be liable for me, but kyoto sensei would ask the "young teachers" to take nenkyu (vacation days) to take me skiing during the week. I feel really bad about this because I don:t want the other teachers to have to take nenkyu on my account. But thats kind of how it works here. The Japanese teachers take nenkyu instead of sick days and their vacations are really short. I've decided not to tell them about next weekend's trip to the Hokkaido snow festival because I feel like every weekend I go somewhere and do things and they are probably tired of hearing about it. Today at lunch a teacher was asking me where I had not been in Japan. I don:t know how I would feel if someone came in doing a similar job as me with the same pay but with loads less work...not to mention less hours. This job sometimes feels like a joke because my JTE does all the difficult work. And thats why Im staying a second year.

nothing to do at work

now im beginning to see why so many ALTs in Japan have a blog....we have extremely large amounts of down time. Which can be a good thing if its used wisely. Lately my time has been used researching flights back home, checking out cool places in the south of Japan to visit in March, and spottily studying Japanese. Apparantly we dont have any classes for most of the month of March but we still have to come to school. Before coming to Japan I had a feeling that an all day desk job wasnt for me, Japan has helped me confirm this feeling. It will be weird for me to go back to having a job where there is actual work to be done. I feel like all I do is plan games, a few lessons, and have many confusing/funny/strange conversations with the students and teachers. Yesterday I had alot of fun at the elementary school. Although I did my introduction with 6th graders (who can be too cool for school), I got them to sing a song and dance with me. I left feeling really energized. I think Joey D did too.
I decided to stay a second year because I think I will get more out of Japan. It takes time to get used to the place and to pick up the language. And I can use everything I learned in my first year in my second. I am having fun here and there is tons to do and to see. I dont think I will stay more than 2 years though because the job isnt as fulfilling as I would like it to be. I dont get to see the students make much progress and I don't have as much job autonomy as I would like. Oh, by the way, the sumo tournament was amazing! I really hope to go back again next year because it was so sweet. Next year I wont tell any of my coworkers im going because I think they were all envious that I went. Sometimes I feel like they resent me because I don:t have as much work as they do. I dont get it though, they work so hard and so long but alot of them dont really do much at work. And they work on the weekends alot and don:t take holidays. I don:t like refering to my Japanese coworkers as "them" but its kind of unavoidable. Right now the guy next to me is snoring loudly and Im trying really hard not to laugh.

Japan is beginning to grate on my nerves. or maybe im just having a bad week. First with the whole speech on the history of MD. LEt me describe the phone call*
"hello, I will pick you up at your apartment on saturday January second and we will go to lunch" Then you will go and talk about the history of Maryland.
"you will talk for 1 hour and then there will be a break and then there will be 45 minutes for questions"
"I was told I was speaking for 50 mins"
"no, one hour then 45 mins for questions. it should be easy for you" "very easy"
"I was also told I would have access to power point"
"power?"
"yes, a computer, a projecter, power point"
"no no, give speech, very easy"
" but I prepared a power point presentation with pictures"
"its no problem, very easy for you"
arg, what the hell.
Then later, I get another call. The elementary school visit--which I thought was just going to be a self-introduction. Now they dont want me to do an introduction, they want me to sing songs and talk about life in America for elementary school children. After I printed out all my pictures and prepared for my self intro, this comes along. Iw ouldnt: be so annoyed except that i had just received the history of Maryland phone call about an hour earlier. And I wont have any time to plan this weekend because Im going to Tokyo for sumo and fun. I don't expect to have any time at all! I am just annoyed, but I guess I shouldn:t be. Im tired of not hearing the whole story, not knowing whats going on. its time to go so i can catch the dinosaur train.

reaquantaince with the blog

Hey, So I found my old India blog! yay! except now I don't know what to write. So Ill wait until something interesting happens. The only reason I found this blog was because I was procrastinating from doing my big hour speech on the history of Maryland. But I suppose procrastination time is over now. Ill add a picture for kicks